How did the hipster burn himself? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What sign did the mother put up in her neighbourhood when she realized her child’s IQ was below average? SLOW CHILDREN PLAYING

New Stephen King book! I hear that Stephen King is writing a new book dealing with the horrors of cat ownership. It’s called Pffffffffft!

What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup

I finally lost my virginity Congrats, bro, sit down and tell me about it. Can’t sit yet.

Fat jokes aside, let’s not forget fat people have feelings too Hunger

I’ll have a foot long Italian with turkey and cheddar cheese. Whoops, wrong sub

Sex positions for tiny dicks Fuck, this isn’t google. **How do I get this off of here?**

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, “Parking fine”, so that was nice.

If you give a mouse a cookie.. If you give a mouse a cookie.. Why are you giving a mouse any food? That’s unsanitary.