soda commercials take place in a parallel universe where everyone on earth is straight edge

What did the Mexican shopkeeper say to the thief? That’s Nachos.

Studies shows that most people don’t know the opposites to these words: Always Coming From Take Me Down

What is green and smells like paint?!? Green paint.

What’s the difference between Trump and a stripper? Strippers climb polls.

What’s BROWN and making California a miserable place to live? California Governor Jerry BROWN you racist asshole!

I saw a bunch of youths hitting an old lady. I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, “Excuse me, that’s my mother-in-law.” “And what?” they replied. “And she’s still moving.”

Sometimes, when I am pumping gas, I’ll wink at the person at the next pump and say, “This smells terrific.”

How do you keep your hair from blowing everywhere when you drive in a convertible? Cross your legs

The Civil War wasn’t about slavery . . . . . . it was about ethics in journalism.