The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they’re gone

I just left my job. I could not work for my boss after the words he said to me. “You’re fired.”

Knock Knock Who’s there ! Belinda ! Belinda who ? Belinda church steeple !

Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes

My cat passed. RIP Fluffy McMittens 2002-2003 2003-2005 2005-2007 2007-2008 2008-2011 2011-2013 2013-2014 2014-2015 2015-2016

Q: What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? A: Any dog. A building can’t jump.

There are two Jehovah’s Witnesses outside… They’re applauding my house for some reason.

How does the Moon get its haircut? Eclipse it!

What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.

I found my stolen briefcase pretty quickly… You could say it was a brief case.