It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.

Knock knock Who’s there? Little old lady Little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!

Is your phone in your back pocket? Because that ass is calling me!

Do you know what it means to come home to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house!

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles!

When I die I’m going to donate my body to science. That’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him ELENA: He’s not! PUTIN: (softly) u…s… [bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

Why are peppers irritating? Because they’re jalapeno business!

I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.