So embarrassing — I was scrolling thru an ex’s old photos and accidentally liked one & then called her & told her I still love her & cried

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

What is the difference between a mosquito and a fly ? Try sewing buttons on a mosquito !

As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer I saw it through my telescope last night.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”

My friend’s parents recently got a dog called “Bradford” Because he’s mostly brown and black, with a little patch of white.

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police” dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Ran my first 10k this morning. …I’m kidding, I’m on my second Milky Way.

It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day. And it still didn’t tell my why it crossed the road.