My 5 stages of grief: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Are you gonna eat that?

I’ve just got my own valet and found people treat you completely differently. He’s opened a lot of doors for me.

Case of the Pregnant Lady joke

Q: What has fifty legs but still can’t walk? A: Half a centipede.

What did the mountain climber name his horse? Everest. Any time he is bored I see him Mount Everest.

What’s the favorite dairy product of Wall Street executives? 1% milk

How does Lil Wayne get inspiration for his new music? He listens to his old music.

My girlfriend said if I don’t stop my obsession with Viking culture she’ll fight me to the death “Jokes on you” I said “if I die in battle I’ll go straight to Valhalla”

Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn’t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors.