“why aren’t you in school?” “i’m too cool for school, officer.” *checks cop computer* “checks out, youre free to go.” kid is undercover nerd

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a bassist? Santa Claus has gifts

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Why did the train sound effect album get derailed? The tracks were unfinished.

If she doesn’t scream “YES!” in bed… I don’t know. Maybe start asking her different questions?

I was once an avid smoker of weed… I did weed everywhere I did it in rain I did it in snow But I did not, in hail.

Who is busier than a one-toothed man in a corn eating contest? A one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Do You Know Why The Scarecrow Won The Nobel Prize? Because he was outstanding in his field!!

I like my coffee like I like my women. Hot, black, bitter, and pregnant.

Why did Sally fall down the hill? I pushed her.