[on a first date] “Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

I was going to make a terrific joke about a bank… ..but then I lost interest.

Bosses get a lot less demanding when you bring a sword to work

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club Which was weird, because I’d never met herbivore.

Juror:We find the defendant- *pizza guy bursts in* “Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty” Defendant: Im Not Guilty Judge:NOT GUILTY *bangs gavel*

Why did the feminist fail in programming? She hated objectification.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol? Invite two of them.

When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That’s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.