noooo lost a drinking game guess i have to drink this alcohol i paid for with full intention of consuming

What does a child without arms get for x-mas? gloves! nah don’t know, it hasn’t opened the present yet

I watched a programmer do stand-up comedy. I’ve gotta say, I loved his bits.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

Poor Caitlyn Jenner. She missed Mothers Day & Fathers Day.

Sorry! i’m not desperate because i’m single. I’m single, because i’m not desperate.

I always feel bad for cantaloupes … They just want to get hitched

My doctor says my emoji use is keeping me young.

What exactly had the “NOW That’s What I Call Music!” guy been listening to before? Sound FX CDs? Whale noises?

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!