Why didn’t the waffle go to the pancake party? He was a square.

I snort bits of pork when I’m hungry. I call them hamboogers.

What did the gamer say to the fleeing prisoner? Run! escape!

Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they can’t elope!

What is an astronaut’s favorite power tool? An orbital sander

What does its job only after its been fired? A bullet.

My wife just found a pretzel in her hair and then she ate it and I didn’t know I could love her more.

You only live once? False, you live everyday. You only die once.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.