What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

What’s the difference between an introverted scientist and an extroverted scientist? An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet.

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.

Mom, what’s a Kardashian? It’s what a midget can’t see over when in the driver’s seat. Just kidding, dear. It means whore.

I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

What do you call an underwater ride sharing service? Scuber!

Have you heard about the gay boogeyman? He’ll hide anywhere *except* your closet.

Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.

The real fight of the century was between, Jamie Foxx and the national anthem