What is the most confusing day in Harlem? Fathers Day!

What’s the best part about dating 26 year olds? There’s twenty of them.

What did the zero say to the eight? “Nice belt, fuck face.”

Aaron Hernandez found guilty of first-degree murder He has been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Not sure how much longer he’s going to remain a “tight end”

[Crate and Barrel job interview] “So why do you want to work here?” DONKEY KONG [sweating]: I love interior design

Dark Humor is like food… Not everybody gets it.

What did the old billy bobs eat at McDonald’s? McChicken-killer… Yeah I’m really stoned smoked a chicken killer and ate McDonald’s

I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!

COP: [flashes his light into my car] ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.