Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

What are the coldest triangles? Ice-sosceles

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

How do you tell if someone has an std? Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.

Why is B so cool? Because it is next to the AC

Cop: Wife shot the husband for bothering her while reading a book Sargent: You arrested her? C: No S: Why? C: She’s not done with the book

I was so thankful…. I couldn’t thank my friend enough for getting me into fight club. “Don’t mention it!”, he said.

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear. Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

What kind of soldier doesn’t need bullets? The kind of soldier that’s always shooting his mouth off.

Obama will go down in history as America’s first gold president.