When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”

Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets… It’s called Halo3.**ods**t

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently not five, my basement is still dark. (taken from this page: https://www.facebook.com/ImammahdidailyIII?fref=ts)

I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

The ISIS have recruited a new rapper… They’re calling him the real Islam shady!

I couldn’t use my phone at the funeral home it was a dead zone.

What do you call a construction company that only employs midgets? Clearly short handed.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before? He has claw marks on his forehead.

What did Jesse say to Woody when they were having a threesome with Buzz Lightyear? You’ve got a friend in me