You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see

It’s hard to juggle work and a baby… …without the baby getting a few paper cuts. I haven’t left my room today.

I love self depricating humor Its another thing that wont love me back

What bring a dead duck back to life? A dead bullfrog.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goesintight

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

Note to younger women: Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks. Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.

What did the gymnast and the grad student have in common? The both had an outstanding balance.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids. I don’t have kids.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time