Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? A: Evaporated milk.

What do you call ghosts commiting bank robberies? The Polterheist

How does a racist laugh? He sniggers.

The most tedious aspect of my job is the part where I have to jiggle the mouse every 30 minutes to keep the screensaver from activating.

Your opinion is like a headache Everyone’s had one and no one gives a fuck

*wife walks in* *sees cheese balls everywhere* *shakes head* “what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Which nation doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do until it’s too late? Procrastination!

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving: **However**, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice

Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.

What’s the definition of Parity? Two parrots exactly the same!