I don’t always feel like I won the genetic lottery, but when I do… I’m at Wal-mart.

Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean that my job is a crime?

If your PMSing wife hands you lemons, you damn well better make lemonade or else she’ll stab you & squeeze lemon juice into the open wound.

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Damn!

They don’t treat the black people right. In our neighborhoods, they don’t have banks — they have check cashing.

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it’s there? Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

I just did 50 crunches in an hour… the wrappers are everywhere.

Cell references in excel are like gold diggers. If you want them to stay in the same place you have to throw some money at them.

What did the patriarchy serve at their dinner party? Traditional gender rolls.

What is a horses favourite TV show? Neeeebours