What did the Machop say to the guy who was giving him a hard time? You’re really bustin’ Machops!

So I went to a fortune teller and asked if I was going to get any action that night. She told me she didn’t deal in self fulfilling prophecies.

Anyone wanna have a pun war? Just for phun.?

I have a short joke for the ladies, on Thanksgiving My penis

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend. I know it’s not right, but she’s a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job? ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

I wish there was a song you and your friends could sing right after you became champions

Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who’s retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.

I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.

What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? An Ethiopian