*wife wonders where I am in the store* *hears glass shatter* *knows where I am*

What do you call a gay rock. A fruity pebble.

My girlfriend thanked me for telling her a joke as she hadn’t laughed since her mother died I think it was pretty disrespectful that she’d laughed when her mother died.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Asians are so good at math… … they can do it with their eyes closed.

Dad: Why are your eyes red, son? Son: I smoke weed, dad. Dad: Don’t lie to me, you were crying because you’re a faggot.

How many redditors commenting on a given post does it take to screw in a light bulb? Not possible. Their hands are too slippery with each other’s ejaculate.

If I won $900,000,000, I’d give a quarter of it to Charity… She’s a talented dancer and says she needs money for school.

What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood? The spaghetto.

[police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*