Forrest Gump came out 20 years ago. Can you believe that?! Of course you can because you’re not an idiot who doesn’t know how time works.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

What do the 2016 Rio Olympics and the 2016 US presidential race have in common? Half of the competitors cheat and the other half aren’t qualified.

Why did ancient Egyptians love beans? They made Tootin’ Common.

I work for the world’s largest nanotechnology company… We’re not very good.

What do gangsters put on their nachos? Glock-amole

What do you call two lesbians in a fist fight? A Muffle Ruffle.

Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.

What’s the most problematic time of day? 4:04

there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.