Why did the dog’s friends send her home from the bar when she started to act strange? They thought she might have been slipped a woofie.

You wont find a whole lot about beastiality in the bible. But you will in my diary.

“Doctor, doctor, there’s a lettuce sticking out of my bum! Is it serious?” “I’m sorry to tell you, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Why did hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%* *lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Project Manager Humor Why do Vampires make poor project managers? Because the refuse you to meet with stake holders. (why yes, I am a dad why do you ask?)

Picking up women in bars is like picking up Avocadoes in a supermarket… You have no idea how damaged they are until you get them home.

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.

What did the scarecrow say when the farmer asked him in for dinner? “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.