A missionary noticed a particularly happy cannibal Missionary: Joe, you look unusually cheery today. CannibalJoe: Today wife gave me head

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for for a cup of boiling water The bartender says to the vampire dont vampiers drink blood? the vampire pulls out a used tampon and say yes im making tea!

RSVP: yes no yes now but then no later on

Hyperbole: Literally the worst thing ever.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito Him: you want me to come over? Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

What has been inside a live bitch and dead pig? Apparently Cameroon’s dick.

What is the name of your friend’s advisor? Budweiser

You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.

BREAKING: 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.