me *walks into house* wife: Where are the kids? me *turns around and goes back out*

What did the gynaecologist say to the vagina that grabbed his sandwich? Don’t, Snatch.

War does not determine who is right only who is left.

What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

I told you ill be there in 5 minutes. Stop calling me every half an hour.

Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference “How to Deal with Stakeholders”

First joke I ever told. You know what a hypocrite is? A guy that hates cats, but loves pussy.

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

What do you call a gay chemist? Homogeneous.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord me: I just want some nuggets man cfa employee: I Would Die For You