If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

50 cent What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater? Gee you knit

7 y/o daughter: Why don’t they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape? And now I know what Einstein’s parents felt like

Dont do phone sex Or you’ll get hearing aids

What was Adolf Hitler’s favourite computer game? Mein Kraft.

Did you hear the joke about the 100-inch pizza? It’s hard to deliver.

The fastest way to learn a foreign language is to take a lover who speaks that language, which makes me wonder about Mr. Ed.

[first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, im not good with dates her: but you’re doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?” I’d help her, but I want to see if this works