I like my Starbucks like I like my slaves Free

The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.

I can’t wait for Alien vs. Predator vs. Liam Neeson.

What’s a Brooklyn contractors favorite dance? Dewalts

What’s the three toughest years of a bass player? Second grade.

When I hear the Christmas song about nuts roasting on an open fire, my testicles move into a defensive formation.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

[puts baby in highchair] Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

I used to love The Village People until they came at me with torches. -Gay Frankenstein

What did the Native American say when he killed his son on a hunting trip? Bison