How do you organize a space party? You planet 😉

I play golf like I have sex I mostly hit 3’s and 4’s

I found out it was snowing by looking outside. WTF Twitter? You are suppossed to tell me these things first.

New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy. It’s called “Ear Bud.”

Do old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.

Our doctor’s office painted their examination rooms the color ‘Bran Muffin’. They hope to keep our attendance more regular.

Doctor says I’m not supposed to eat before falling asleep… ..but how am I suppose to eat **after** falling asleep?

I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.

Always remember you’re someones reason to smile Because you are a joke

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”