Alarm company: We need your emergency contact info. Me: (eating chips) My dog doesn’t have a cell phone.

What do you call fake pasta? An impasta

Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?

How is Chick-Fil-A like a black hole? You can come in, but you can’t come out. <editorial non-joke remark – I’m straight, but these guys need to learn a lesson IMHO>

i’m every guy who says he’s taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later

Been really trying to see things from my wife’s point of view lately… Been looking out this kitchen window for hours…

What do you call noodles that aren’t spaghetti? Impastas

What’s the exchange rate for pigs and trees? A porcupine.

What do an anorexic person and Sonic the Hedgehog have in common? They both gotta go fast.

Don’t you just hate when people reply with “This?” This.