So I was fucking this woman… And she said that she wanted 12 inches and she wanted it to hurt, so I stuck it in 3 times and hit her with a baseball bat.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? Carrot!

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX A RETARD AND A FUCKHEAD? AN AMERICAN! YOU GET AN AMERICAN!

What do you call a stylish molecule? A molecool.

How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ? “Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth”

[At Mall] Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE! Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

[Couples counseling] “It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know” Okay, fine *opens jar of wasps*

What does the Pokemon dentist do? He takes a Pikachu teeth.

Let’s get a thread of jokes that are funny to hear, but don’t work if you read them I’ll start: What do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh!

What’s the difference between Colonel Custer and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians