(p + l)(a + n)=pa+pn+la+ln I just foiled your plan.

What is impotence? Impotence is when your mind starts to be a dick and your dick is philosophising.

Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday But he didn’t wave back… So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

What do Trump and Sanders have in common? They both have an equal chance of winning the Democratic nomination.

Hey Guys! They brought back Angry Beavers! Isn’t it great? Its been renamed to The View, however…

My friend wants to be frozen to 273.15C after he dies. But at least we know (_) ( _)>- (_) he was 0K.

I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?

The one good thing about Hurricane Patricia Clean Drinking water falling from the sky for Mexico!!

What is a jewish golfer’s favorite vegetable? A parsnip.

The keurig machine at work acts like its going to give me coffee, but it turns off at the last minute. I feel like I’m getting brew balls.