What did Dr. Evil say when he fell in the rancor pit? Throw me a frickin bone here.

How does Homer Simpson say watermelon in French? Melon D’OH

How do you define necrophilia? The urge to crack open a cold one

I recently started smoking… It was all dunhill from there

Thank you to the brave tree who sacrificed its life so that I could have this giant receipt from CVS for purchasing a pack of Dentyne Ice.

Customer: I’d like a watch that tells time. Clerk: Don’t you have a watch that tells time? Customer: No you have to look at it.

[grocery store] Ok, milk… Check! Eggs… Check! Tomatoes… Check! “Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? Because he thought it was a delivery service.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator. EDIT: In regards to BattletardBlacknigga, I also heard this joke from my dad. Which was awkward but made it funnier in a weird way…..

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda