I slept like a baby last night… …I woke up screaming because I had shat myself

What do you call a dog who likes a lot of bass in his music? A Sub-Woofer.

How does a water bear sleep? It Hydronates

Everyone has a thigh gap… …when they’re doing the splits.

What do you call an Aboriginal in a lamp? And Abori-genie.

I just ended a 5 years long relationship I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship.

How do you keep a retard in anticipation?

What’s the hardest part of skydiving? The ground!

Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.

What type of transporter does Mr. Scott use? A Beemer.