I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’

Its funny how condoms are relatively cheap but as soon as you break one your out a few hundred.

What did the horse say to the other horse? Hay,I thought you knew horses couldn’t speak!

There are some horrible bastards about I heard a cat crying outside my door and I saw 4 blokes in Chelsea shirts playing football with it I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1- 0 up

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…

What do you call someone who is obsessed with a constant breeze? a ‘fan’atic.

I really can’t tell you what I’ll be doing this time in 4 years… … as I do not have 20/20 vision.

I leaked a sex tape of myself 3 months ago. It has 14 hits! Those hits are from me checking to see how many hits it has.