Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.

How did the dog make gold soup? He put in 24 carrots.

I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas

how do you know if you have a high sperm count? your daughter has to chew before she swallows

You all know any good masturbation jokes? C’mon, I bet we can crank some out.

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn’t happy when I came back with a push up bra.

Sweet Potato Philosophy “I think therefore I yam.”

The problem with political jokes… …is that they always get elected.

Only 3 more weeks until my Christmas lights change from “still being up” to “being up early”.

Why are ska bands so clean? They always pick it up pick it up pick it up.