Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

How do you tell the difference between an adult film star and a psychiatrist? Ask them to pronounce the word analyzed.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day. Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

How did the cavemen in the far east protect them selves? They Rocked their doors.

TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwich for my wife. Oops, wrong sub. Edit: Turns out this has been posted before 🙁

If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Why aren’t sumos chummy with racecar drivers? They move in different circles.

*exorcism* DEMON: *roars* PRIEST: we must restrain him! WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs* PRIEST: … DEMON: hey now

How do you make a German cry? Show them their gas bill