Imagine being in space and floating past all the planets. You could probably go kart on Saturn’s rings.

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout? A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.

How did Paul, the octopus, originally die? Torres went and asked Paul proudly, “How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup?” Paul died laughing.

I have a heroine addiction… …because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody’s life.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands] Oh dear god not again

Why are Jew’s noses so big? Because air is free.

Teacher : Tommy you try my patience ! Tommy: No teacher you had better try mine. There’s more of it !

What do you call a fear of Alkaline? A pH-obia

My grandma just broke her hip farting! #EpicFrail!

Someone sly sheared sleeping sheep. Talk about shear terror.