Wife just gave birth to our second child and told me I need to appreciate her more I promised to worship the ground she stomps on

Son, i don’t think you are cut out to be a mime. Son: Was it something I said?

A physicist sees a man about to jump from a building ‘Don’t do it! ‘ he shouts ‘You have so much potential! ‘

Ladies and gentlemen, my browsing history… [deleted]

What will they call Bruce Jenner after the final sex-change operation? Sluice

Why are surveyors so much fun? Because most of them are party chiefs.

What did one cell say to its sister cell when she stepped on him? “Mitosis !”

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…” – Dogs

A girl called me up, she said “come over there’s nobody home” So I went over, but there was nobody home

Did you hear about Medusa’s short lived stand up career? She always faced a tough crowd.