[DIY] How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower Buy the bitch a shovel

I built a lighthouse… but it blew away.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

What happens to your car insurance if you don’t notify them that you’ve wrecked a car? I don’t know, but it’s not wreck-amended.

What value is higher than infinity? Infinity plus 1. I’m sorry.

*on first date* Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

What do you call someone who points out the obvious? Someone who points out the obvious.

Unless you’re telling me how to skip it in the future, your voicemail greeting wastes my time.

“Susan, will you marry me?” “Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!” Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

OC: after talking with my buddy, I thought of this. how do you know if some does crossfit? They”ll tell you.