him: what did you do all day? *steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together* Me: it’s a purrrramid!

A married couple where each has a doctorate degree is a paradox.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles? Me: Do you remember spray painting my car? 13: yeah M: Are you breathing? 13: yeah M: Well, there ya go

Actual advice Mallard in a recent interview denounced his internet fame. It was quite a pro duck shun.

What do you call a scary horse? A night-mare.

What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets

The office supplier gave us some cheap toilet paper and now we’ve got a real mess on our hands.

When Tom Cruise is driving, he says “Now in Cruise Control!” with this stupid smirk on his face even when there’s no one else in the car.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

A man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar.