Never drink water after eating fish !!! Your stomach might become an aquarium. PS not mine read it somewhere

Where did vampires go to first in America? New-fang-land.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

What makes me want to lose the will to live? /r/Jokes!

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an Irishman? [OC] One has passed a BAR.

Just found out I’ve been eating women’s energy bars for the past few months. No side effects except making 30% less money than I used to

I watched Mad Max: Fury Road today.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman ? Snowballs

Wife wants to relax today! Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents.

Apparently “Which one?” wasn’t the best answer when my gf’s dad asked me “What are your intentions with my daughter?”