Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Bono is gonna be really pissed off when he finds out he’s not Jesus.

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no not snake and pygmy pie again!

Gabe Newell should be the World President He will prevent World War 3.

Roy Hodgson has some really important decisions to make now. Like if he wants a window or aisle seat.

My wife and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with any woman I want, but she doesn’t speak to me or live with me anymore.

A guy wire is holding a pole… …the pole is 10 meters tall, the wire makes a 48^o angle from the ground and the very tip is 7 meters from the pole. How long until the feminists arrive?

I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.

I spilled coffee all over my Macbook… …now it won’t go to sleep.

*Dentist’s waiting room* *Trying to make conversation with other patient* So… I guess you have teeth, too?