What does a bull do to stay warm on a cold day? It goes into a barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey.

What kind of bug can survive all winter? A bahumbug!

I ordered a book on near death experiences. The anticipation almost killed me.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

How do you make a hotdog with a tree? You fold it

Sex with an optometrist can be so tedious… “better this way or that way? This way or that way? This way or that way? …”

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to say the word, “unionized”.

-I got you a birthday present… …but I can’t give it to you until tomorrow. -What is it? -It rhymes with ‘Something to get drunk with’.

“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor