Atoms are liers… the makeup everything

Matthew Broderick just became the “mare” of Sarah Jessica Parker on Horsesquare.

Whether you believe in evolution or not, one thing is certain… Human ancestry’s pretty fishy.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die? I hope so. There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

The gardener asked me what I wanted him to do, I told him to water the plants… He points and asks “water these?”, I said “nah man, *pointing* WATER THOSE”.

Me: What do gay horses eat? Mom: Oh! I’ve heard this one, it’s Haaaaaaay!” Me: Wrong. Penises.

What do women and werewolves have in common? (Offensive) They both go berserk once every month.

What does a Chihuahua play basketball with? A tennis ball!

What do you call pasta in a poor neighborhood? Spaghetto

I went shopping yesterday and bought myself a ring binder. I haven’t been able to do a shit since…