This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at. — Dogs

You never can trust atoms… Because they make up everything!

Did you know that all milk has to be sterilized before use? Prepasteurous!

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

I wish I had never wished for that. “Done. You’re back to 2 wishes.”

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Have you ever tried Nicaraguan food? They haven’t.

Life is that reality show character wearing a leopard print caftan saying “Yer either gonna love me or hate me, I just tell it like it is”

I stepped on an ant hill today and realized I had probably killed a lot of innocent ants. I also killed all the ant rapists so, I’m a hero.

How many “sup dude”s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it’s already lit fam.