What do Caitlyn Jenner and my Chrysler have in common? They’re both convertables.

My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn’t believe it… but when I got home all the signs were there

Why do you get ebola from a feminist? Because they don’t shave, going down on them would be basically eating bushmeat.

[Jokes] The three girls LOL FUNNY!

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

Today I told my girlfriend she should really join Reddit cause… We’d be on the same page.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues. Me: …

What happens if you cross a snowman and a vampire? You get a frostbite.

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

Buses are like pornstars… Nothing for an hour then they all cum at once.