What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

How does Hitler tie his shoes? One Jew at a time!

hate to brag but I can still fit in my Quinceanera dress

Harry and Jerry Harry is at home and his door is locked. Jerry come in Harry says, “Who are you and how did you get here” Jerry says, “I’m a locksmith and I’m a locksmith”

I asked a hooker to talk dirty to me in Latin. She declined.

Always remember, that no matter how useless you think you are, you are still someone’s reason to smile.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

I used to have a terrible addiction to soap… …but I’m clean now.