Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

If I hear another conversation about that stupid dress… I’m going to beat them until they’re white and gold.

Did I tell you I’m joining a gym in Gainesborough? Because I’m all about those gains bro

Remember not to laugh at your ex wife’s choices. You were one of them.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

I got fucked by a priest 20 years ago…. ….He said “you may now kiss the bride”.

What do you call a gay dinosaur? Stegosoreass.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle. *Joseph rolls eyes

I’m so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

The 7 days of my week…..Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday