You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Would you like to hear a joke about dried grapes? It’s not that good, don’t go raisin your expectations.

I burnt a lot of calories today… I set a fat kid on fire.

How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece? With a crowbar.

How do Reavers clean their spears? They run them through the Wash 🙁

what’s 6 inches long 2 inches wide and drives a woman wild? money

People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.

I was walking downtown, and I passed this homeless man who started shaking his cup of change at me and I was like, okay, dick, I get it, you have more money than me, don’t rub it in.

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. Didn’t want it waking the wife and kids.