Death: I’ve come for you. Me: That’s what she said. D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

What did the little acorn say when it got planted and grew up? Geometry.

If Hillary wins, I’m leaving the country. If Trump wins, I’m leaving the country. It’s not like I don’t like either one. I just love to travel.

That thing your kid said wasn’t funny.

The average person loses their virginity at 17. Congratulations you are above average.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts? With jammin’.

What do a walrus and a zip-lock bag have in common? They’re both looking for a tight seal.

Parallel lines have so much in common… Its a shame they’ll never meet.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus station and a large-breasted crab? One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn’t floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss