For sale: One parachute Used once, never opened.

TEBOW FEVER!! I haven’t seen this many people following a white bronco since OJ!!!!! Ba-ha-ha!!

Why was the empty penis so scary? Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener) [works better spoken – I think – just made it up in the shower]

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager. Me: A PLUM assignment! H: … M: You’re a PEACH! H: … M: Do I start today or TOMATO? H: You’re fired.

All my life I’ve refused to wear perfume. But then an aggressive perfume-salesperson knocked some scents into me.

[start of interview] Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere* Interviewer: …welcome to BP

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb? The light bulb was already changed a month ago the last time this was reposted

During sex it’s perfectly fine to say “yeah”, “yes”, and “oh yes” but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming “yep”

Went to Lowes for a new dishwasher pretty stoked that she has a job too.

Only real 90’s kids remember being called a lazy fucking millennial