Watch Forrest Gump *feel inspired *toss orthotics out, go for jog *1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

I almost died today, so naturally my first impulse was to pull my phone out and tweet about it.

I was born in the USA… ..some parts imported from China, though.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Which government organization is involved with protecting Area 51? The C.I.ayy

“As long as you append my name to a quote,… people would buy into it and take it seriously.” – Winston Churchill

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It’s really that simple.

Who was the first mathematician? A concave man

“Can we have ‘Punctuation Sex’ tonight?” I asked the wife. “What do you mean, ‘Punctuation Sex?” she queried. “It’s where I put my semi in your colon …”

If booze isn’t the answer, then your question sucks.